Tonight
by alterego1387
Summary: A one shot on Santana's thoughts during 4x14- "I Do". A little on the angsty side. R&R please.


**A/N: So I tried something different again. This is an angsty one shot on Santana's thoughts during Will's wedding. Also to explain Quintanna... or rather help me process Quintanna. R&R please. **

**I don't own glee and I don't want to**

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I take a deep breath as I stand in front of the entrance to the church. This moment felt almost unrealistic, I'd quit college, come back to Lima, then left for New York and somehow inexplicably I'm back here again. My eyes scan the parking lot furtively, not really sure I know what I'm looking for, but I feel disappointed nonetheless when I don't see it. I feel a gentle nudge on my shoulder and concerned hazel eyes lock with mine. "Shall we go in?" Quinn asks me. I nod and take another deep breath as I square my shoulders, slip on my bitchy defensive facade and walk in.

I sigh as I look around the church, everyone dressed to the nines. Happy. I haven't felt like that in a while. Confused, yes. Hurt, yup. Scared, definitely. But happy? No not really. My miserable mood wasn't made any better by the fact that Brittany and Sam were sitting in front of us, and all I got from her was a tight smile and a wave. I'm trying to be a mature adult but would it be so bad to throw my killer stilettos at Trouty's stupid face? This whole growing up thing is really overrated. You think you're going to be this big thing, and people psych you out about it, and then it just crashes. College was a disaster. I didn't fit in and yeah being a cheerleader had its perks but it was gruelling. High school was a breeze. In college, you were just a speck, and going from HBIC to speck was just not plausible for Santana Lopez.

Then Lima happened, and Bram. What the hell is that anyway? It sounds like a breakfast food gone wrong and to hear it from girl Chang, well that was plain appalling. The delight in her voice so evident, so happy to be the bearer of news that would make my heart break. So I came back. I came back because I had nowhere else to go. I came back to the one thing, the one person who is familiar to me, the one person who is home. Brittany!

Maybe hoping she would take me back was a bit of a long shot. I mean, I did end our relationship. I said break though, right? not break up. I need to get these damn technicalities right. Whatever, I knew Trouty was no competition for me. She'd see what a complete idiot he was and come back to me. Sue's offer also had me thinking, it was everything I needed to get my groove back. Then Brittany said no. She chose the love child of Macaulay Culkin and a tadpole over me. She basically told me to get over myself and fuck off. Ok maybe she said a few other words about finding a community or some other shit, but all my mind was processing was- I choose Sam, not you. We're just friends. Her wisdom is always impeccable but my heart damn near broke again when she said she'd always be my best friend. This could not be happening again, not again.

And so I packed my bags and moved to New York, with dreams in my eyes and fear and dread in my freshly broken heart. Before I knew it I was back in Idiotville, Ohio for the wedding of the century, which would explain why I'm sitting in this damn church to begin with, along with Quinn Fabray. I guess that's why I called Quinn. We have this weird dynamic that even we don't quite understand, but the thing is I really needed a friend right now. Seeing Brittany and Guppy Face together made me angry? Sad? Depressed? Bitter? I'm not quite sure but I felt helpless. I don't like feeling helpless, and the worst thing was that I couldn't hurt her by doing anything to her fucking bottle blonde ken doll. I didn't want her to hate me. My bitching about how I hated being alone or valentine's day was doing nothing for me, and Quinn just ignored me and made it all about her and how she hates men. I swear she has multiple personalities. The last time I met her she couldn't stop talking about her professor Dr. McPatchy Oldfart.

Then came the drama quotient for the evening. Ms Pillsbury actually grew a pair and took off leaving Mr Shue at the altar. While I'm all for the bitchy drama and gossip that's soon to follow, I kinda do feel bad for Mr Shue. I mean she loved him inspite of his vest addiction and his need to break into song to teach us life lessons. I guess I also felt bad that he was left by someone he loves. I can totally relate. The guests filed out and us old and new glee members gathered around to figure out what to do. Puck was helpful as always and made some brainless suggestion that no one took seriously. Rachel wanted to sing him something to console him. Kurt and Blaine were literally eye-fucking each other while Tina glared at them (I made a mental note to follow up on what this juicy triangle was with Porcelain later) and the new glee kids were being pretty useless, milling around looking confused. I finally volunteered my services out of sheer exasperation and walked into the church where I was confronted with a broken Mr Shue and his trusty sidekick McBlubberBoobs who looked like he was the one left at the altar. I tried to be sensitive, really I did, when I asked him about the reception. When he told us to go ahead and enjoy ourselves, I wanted to laugh in his face. Enjoyment equals fun. I don't think my idea of fun was watching the Klaine reunion, or Berry treating Finn like her faithful puppy or Brittany's smile when she looked into Sam's eyes.

But I rarely turn down a party, so we made our way to the reception hall that was way overdone in pinks and reds and hearts and other disgusting things, you know, to remind you its valentine's day, in case you lived on the moon and didn't know these things. For a glee club who cares so much about their leader, everyone was pretty fine with forgetting about Mr Shue and what had just happened and let their hair down. It felt nice to see some familiar faces, faces that smiled and asked how I was doing like they really cared. When Mike asked me to dance, I didn't hesitate to pull Quinn along. For a second, I can almost forget, almost forget that **she** was here too with her new boy toy, forget that I had no plans for my life, forget that I was alone and hurt and desperately wanting someone to love me. For a moment I could just be, just be Santana Lopez and dance. That moment ended too soon though when **she** pulled him onto the floor to dance with her. I decided now was the best time to try out my fake id and so pulling Quinn over to the bar, ordered us some wine. Quinn was being weirdly supportive of me. I guess she could tell I was messed up then and was actually trying to be a really good friend. She even complimented my choice of clothes as a tiny warning went off in my head. Was she flirting? But this is Quinn. Good, straight, white, catholic girl Quinn. Sure she had a baby, and went off the deep end a little and got Shelby fired and stuff but she was back to the old Quinn that I remembered, before the stretch marks and abrupt personality changes. Brittany and Fishface dancing distracted me, making me rant again. But Quinn just said we were flawless and clinked our glasses together, making me feel better. Atleast I had someone in my corner.

We continued standing at the bar, content to drink and catch up. At one point Quinn looked at me seriously and said that she was happy for me for following my dreams. She said she was glad I was moving forward. I guess she meant more than just moving to New York. I smiled in return, not trusting myself to speak. How I could I tell her that even though I was moving forward I would never stop looking back? I had left a piece of my heart back here and it would always pull at me, wherever I was. But Quinn would never understand, she's never felt like this about anyone and would probably laugh or worse say something about me being whipped. So I just got us another drink and changed the subject.

The night got progressively more blurry. Quinn and I were definitely getting drunker. We kept laughing and reminiscing about the cheerios and then made bitchy comments about Finn's constipated face, the fact that Tina seemed to have a thing for Blaine who was following Kurt around like a whipped poodle, Sue in a freaking wedding dress (what was that all about), how Artie managed to find the only other girl in a wheelchair to dance with, how the Beiber wannabe new kid seemed to have a crush on either Puck Jr. or bulimia Barbie (Quinn and I were undecided about that one, threesome anyone?) and the fact that Puck Sr. was trying to grow out his Mohawk. I laughed so hard, I thought my sides would burst, it helped me forget, for just fragments of seconds that she wasn't with me.

Then Sue made us gather around to throw the bouquet and I thought it was a good idea if Quinn wore my necklace so it would bring her luck. We ended up getting entangled in it and missing the throw completely. Berry caught the bouquet, and did not burst into song right away. I was surprised. I kinda liked what New York was doing to my two roommates. Rachel did sing later (ofcourse!) with her gorilla of an ex boyfriend who just smiled goofily like an idiot while he practically drooled over her. It made me sad. I used to sing to Brittany, and she'd smile at me, cos she knew I could speak to her in song. Quinn pulled me to dance, and wrapped her arms around me. It was weird but nice all the same. It felt nice that someone cared enough to dance with me. We just about managed to stay upright. I kept catching glances of Brittany and Trouty dancing together over Quinn's shoulder, the sight making me tense up. Quinn must've felt it because she told me she liked slow dancing with me. I smirked, slightly confused again with this side of her. I was reading the signals right I knew. I wasn't that drunk or for that matter that confused.

The song was perfect, as Rachel and Finn wailed on about how we just have tonight, Quinn pulled me closer and whispered her proposition in my ear. "Just tonight. One time. No strings attached." I looked at her trying to gauge whether she was messing with me, but she giggled and looked at me almost eagerly. I looked over her shoulder at Brittany, who'd hardly looked at me, hardly spoken to me, hardly acknowledged my presence, and it fucking hurt. It hurt that someone who was my whole world just forgot me like that. Watching them together, made me sick. Maybe this was not the best way to deal with my feelings, but I needed to feel something, someone, who could make all this pain go away, and Quinn was doing that for tonight. So I nodded furiously and grabbed her hand as we made our way out of the hall.

I'm not sure who got the room or how we landed up there. We'd stopped by the bar and a new haze was buzzing in my head. I also suspect we were acting a lot more drunk than we were to ease the tension. We ran down the hallway stumbling against each other as Quinn unlocked the door, while I laughed at her attempts. She opened the door and we stepped in closing the door and with it the outside world. This was just about getting off for me, as I had made it clear to Quinn. It was just sex. It meant nothing. It couldn't mean anything. I don't think at that point I was capable of feeling. Clothes were discarded, and sloppy kisses were exchanged. Quinn tasted like wine, and if I closed my eyes, I could imagine she was someone else. When she moved down my body, her long blonde hair, reminded me of another blonde head that had moved down the same path, but when she looked at me, her eyes were hazel and not the familiar blue that I loved. If I tried hard enough, this blonde could be another blonde. A blonde whose whimpers and cries I was used to hearing. Whose soft words in my ear made me shiver. If I pretended, this could actually feel good. When she came, I didn't look at her, although her moans were enough to convince me that she was satisfied with her little experiment. I broke a little inside remembering how Brittany would sound, her quiet whimpers and gasps. How Quinn's limbs weren't as long as hers, and how she just lay back after it was done, unlike Britt who would drape herself over me. I pushed these images away, trying not to compare. I shouldn't compare but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop feeling empty inside. Although to Quinn's credit, she was a quick learner and the sex was good.

When she sat up after, wearing her trademark haughty smirk, I felt my smirk mirroring hers. Yeah I'd rocked her world and felt good about it. It felt good to be in control of something finally, I hated not being in control of my feelings today. This was something I was skilled at, something I could do. Truth be told, it felt nice to be needed, to be wanted, even if it was by the wrong blonde. When I suggested round two, I fully expected her to refuse. But she surprised me with a rather sexy smile, ready for what I had to offer. When I reached for her, I knew she wasn't the one, wasn't the answer to all my problems. But being with her tonight, just being with someone who had no expectations, who was as self absorbed in their own personal drama made it easier for me to just be. I didn't think about the morning as I turned out the light. After all who needs tomorrow, when all I needed was tonight.


End file.
